Monday, October 31, 2005...this is the day that my divorce was declared final by the Circuit Court of Maryland for Montgomery County. That’s right, it’s one year later since that time. I cannot think of a better time to share how I have felt then and how I feel now. I will tell it the only way I know how, honesty, dark humor and in the Maryland tradition...ok the last part sounded good. Please understand that I am not going to share names or identities to respect her privacy. And this is going to be a long blog.

So let’s go back to October 11, 2005, the date of the hearing. My sister who many of you know accompanied me to Rockville. My ex-wife filed the papers in Montgomery County, where she moved to when she left me. By the way, typical DC area traffic, not friendly at all. Neither are the people who you first talk to at the courthouse. Can we please mix in some phone manners?

Anyway, got the message through to the courtroom where the hearing was and things were postponed. By the way, we were not trying to operate on CP time; there was more construction between Laurel and Rockville than planned. We finally made it to the courthouse. My sister was my witness and long story short...ABSOLUTE DIVORCE...bitter sweet.

My sister, the ever caring person she was, asked me to step outside while she let my ex know that we still care about her. All I remember walking back to the car that day was that God was not glorified today.

I don’t think God is ever happy in a divorce, but I believe he will suffer it certain situations like mine. I get tickled when “Christians” say that divorce is not mentioned in the Bible. I would read Ezra 10 and Jeremiah 3:8. There are many other references in the Bible about divorce as well.

And let’s think about all of those husbands that we hear in the news, that kill their wives or are endangering their lives to the point that it’s attempted murder. You think someone is going to say to her, stay in it because divorce is wrong. NO, you are going to tell them to save themselves, get out of that marriage.

The decision was entered in by the court master (can’t remember the exact title) and it was declared final on October 31, 2005…Halloween. I felt abandoned, heart-broken and sad. It was the second time that I had to go through a heart-breaking situation, in which I gave apart of myself to someone and it ended badly. The first one was not so bad. Time heals all wounds and it was a different type of relationship.

This one, I had all intentions on spending the rest of my life with her. I was looking forward to having children with her. I gave her my heart. Now for the second time, it was broken, this time shattered.

After the relationship, I had to re-establish relationship that I disconnected, because I did not want anyone to know what was going on. That she left because she saw something she wanted. That is the nicest way to explain what happened. I was even avoiding my own dad, who was probably wondering how in the world is his only son doing.

Many friends unless they had my email or cell phone did not know how I was, and even if they did make contact, I was lying to cover up the fact that my wife was more than not home.

I was always known as shy and quiet. If I had a date, I bet it would have shocked the hell out of many people in high school during my junior and senior year if I did have a date. By the way, my prom date for the record was more arranged than anything. I would have been happy going by myself and hanging out with friends truth be told. And I still cannot dance that well.

As a matter of fact while I am on shock value, I remember when V found me on myspace and she saw that I was divorced. She sent a message “What are you doing divorced?” I saw her page for the first time and asked, “What are you doing with kids?” I was shocked too because now people I know from school are starting to become proud parents. I am still waiting till I closer to 30 or until God says so.

Anyway, once there was closure to my marriage, I felt that I could reconnect with friends I haven’t spoken to for a long time and more importantly, re-establish my relationship with my dad. Because my parents were separated shortly after I was born and divorced when I was nine, I never had the relationship that I wanted with my dad growing up. Thanks be to God that I have a relationship that I want now. We are talking more and even though I am all over the area these days, I will not hesitate to give my dad a shout on my phone.

So each day, I start coming out of my shell and became more sociable with friends. I knew that had to step one from leaving one extreme from isolationism.

It’s also been a tough role on a physical/spiritual level. One thing I am not doing is having sex or anything of the like. Besides the fact that everyone puts a lot of hype into sex, but outside of marriage, sex is too emotionally involved. For me sex is not just physical, but spiritual…I have enough problems of my own. I am not going to get tangled into a physical relationship not knowing what my partner has from an emotional or physical health point. I’ll just reserve sex for my new wife like The Bible says and the way it should be.

Overall, dating has probably became an even bigger problem for me…ok, let me be honest; I am not seeing anyone and I haven’t exactly tried looking. My biggest fear is that I will get my heart smashed again. If I love, I am all in. On top of that, I am afraid that the woman that I do want to at least get to know would not accept me as I am as a friend. I am afraid she will look at my work ethic, my beliefs (morally and politically,) my tastes, my “special” sense of humor, my issues (because everyone has problems) and reject me. I know that sounds arrogant, but it’s the truth. At some point, you have to be real in a relationship. And then, I do not want to get involved in a religion war. I want God. That part is non-negotiable.

But it is not all bad though what I went through. Despite the fact that I am overly protecting my heart, the stress of avoiding people is gone and feeling embarrassed is no more. I know that my future is no longer depending on a marriage that someone doesn’t want to be apart of, so I am waiting on her to see what she will do. Plus on top of it all, I know that there is a God and he is just for both sides. He will present life and death to you and he will not force your hand. You will have to make a decision.

So I am better off one year later. Through God’s help, my heart has a band-aid on it. I believe that he has healed me, but I am human. In my imperfection, my anxiety about past events might come in and start going into protection mode. That is what I need to work on now. Some might read this and say, you’re still hurting. Yes, but the sting is still not as bad. I admit that it’s not as easy to look at other couples sometimes. But I am steadily overcoming it.

If I can allow one more paragraph, I know this is longer than what I normally write, but I can urge anything. If you want to be married to your husband or wife, stay committed. Arguing over the big piece of chicken or the Pepsi in the fridge is not worth being upset at each other. It is a pretty freaking argument that should be ceased. If you are having a real argument, work it out. You do love each other and care for each other. And above all, you want to be married. Work it out; you will be better for it.

If you are single and you want to be married, don’t be picky. Get someone that cares for you...all of you. Don’t just get someone because they look good or they screw good. Be married to someone you know in your heart of hearts, that person is the one you are suppose to be married to. God will send you someone you need, not someone you want.

I thank you for reading this if you made it to this paragraph. I haven’t made any plans to celebrate or commemorate this occasion. I think this blog should be sufficient for the occasion. Many wanted to know, so here you go.